There are a few reasons why people self-sabotage, and none have them have anything to do because they are a bad person, or because they are lazy or because they don’t deserve to succeed! There are 4 key things you need to stop self-sabotage. Let’s get to the bottom of it.

 

People self-sabotage because:

• They have no specific destination
• They do not want to draw attention to themselves
• They feel they are not good enough or not deserving of success
• They feel they will be outcast or not accepted

 

Let’s explore these one at a time.

 

No specific destination:

If you do not have a detailed description of what your success will look like when you get there, you will not only struggle to create a plan to get there, but you will keep doing things that prevent you from getting there. That’s because it is a natural instinct to be afraid of the unknown. If you don’t have any idea what success will look like, your subconscious may fear that unknown, and therefore hold you back from getting there. The easiest way to hold you back, is to self-sabotage.

What can you do to stop self-sabotaging?

This is something we go through in great detail in our Conquer Your Mindset Workshop; next one being held on the 8^th of August.

You need to identify what your success will look like. Whatever it is you want to achieve, you need to think long and hard about your vision of what you and your life will look like when you get there. Ask yourself, ‘If I had a fairy Godmother (or father) who would grant me my ultimate goal, what would it look like?’

Firstly, identify what it is you would love to achieve. Is it losing weight, getting a job, going on a holiday, becoming financially free, what?

Then you need to establish what life will look like for you in a successful state of that goal.

 

Let’s use the example of losing weight.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you create your ultimate success:

• What size will you be?
• What sort of clothes will you wear?
• How will you feel about yourself then, versus now?
• How will your kids feel about you at that size? Will the be excited to be able to do more activities with you? Will they be proud of you? Or will they be anxious about it? If so, why? And what can you do to prevent that?
• How will your partner feel about you? Will he/she be excited and loving? How will you handle it if he/she is not so excited about? If they are jealous, upset or uncomfortable with you?
• How will your friends, and colleagues react? Will they be supportive, or will they try to sabotage you, or mock you for your choices along the way? How will you handle it if they are not supportive?
• What about your family, parents, siblings?
• What support, coach, expert, tools etc. will you need to get there?

 

Once you have identified what your success will look like you are no longer fearful of the unknown so are more inclined to be able to work towards it.

Furthermore, coming up with strategies to overcome any roadblocks, before they arise, increases your chances of success and avoiding self-sabotage, even more!

 

Don’t want to draw attention:

If you have ever had negative attention, you will subconsciously act in a way to avoid drawing attention again. Negative attention could be bullying, any sort of mental or physical abuse, ridicule, or having work piled onto you at work simply because you get things done.

If you find yourself sabotaging yourself at any point as you get closer to your success, think about your past and see, was there any time you received unfavourable attention?

What can you do to stop self-sabotaging?

When you become more aware of why you are behaving in a certain way, it is easier to make a conscious effort to change it.

If you are struggling and it relates to this point, it is a good idea to work with a counsellor or psych. Sometimes this issue can be difficult to move forward from. It’s always easier with support.

 

They feel they are not good enough or not deserving of success

This usually comes from our past once again. There may have been a situation or situations where you sought the approval of somebody that you never received. This creates an underlying need to seek approval that you then believe you don’t deserve.

As a result, every time you start to progress in anything towards success you subconsciously remind yourself that you are not deserving of success as so self-sabotage to hold yourself back.

What can you do to stop self-sabotaging?

Think about things you have been successful in throughout your life. This might include, but are not limited to:

• Completing school
• Getting a degree, certificate, skill or trade
• Connecting with someone and developing a long-term relationship
• Having children
• Finding employment
• Buying or renting a home
• Quitting smoking
• Dealing with grief
•  

Look back at your success and ask yourself:

• What strengths, values or attributes did I demonstrate in order to achieve this?
• What did it take in order for me to achieve this?
• What did I need to sacrifice?
• What were some of the setbacks or difficulties that I experienced, and how did I overcome them?
• What skills, tools, or experience did I draw upon?
• What help did I recruit?

The answers are strengths that you have that you can achieve anything with. You just now need to apply those to whatever you are striving towards next. Having identified these strengths and acknowledged that you have succeeded despite what your subconsciously might be telling you, you can now start practising working on your next success without holding yourself back.

You are good enough, you are deserving. You have succeeded in things before. You just need to identify those, acknowledge them and draw on them for strength.

 

Feel outcast or unaccepted:

It is a human innate trait to be part of a group, or ‘pack’; being a mammal in the animal kingdom that is a natural need. When one of the individuals in the pack do not behave in accordance with the pack, the other animals outcast it. Humans are no different. This can be detrimental to your goals sometimes. It usually occurs when your personal values no longer align with those of the ‘pack’.

As a result, you find yourself constantly trying to please people, doing things you might not always want to do, struggle to set boundaries and say ‘no’, and hold yourself back from success simply to ‘fit in’ and not become an outcast.

Let’s use the example of losing weight.

If you are trying to clean up your nutrition, focus on being more active and improving your mindset, you might find yourself struggling when around certain people, be that friends, colleagues, or family, if they do not share those same values. As a result, you might find yourself eating food you really don’t want to, or drinking alcohol, or skipping training sessions, or even helping someone out with something when it should be your well-being time. You do it to please them, to avoid conflict, to not be outcast, to avoid snide remarks etc. Then you feel guilty for not being true to yourself, for not sticking with your values and goals and for ‘self-sabotaging’.

What can you do to stop self-sabotaging?

• Establish what your core values are. This will help you identify if your core values align with those you spend the most amount of time with. If not, you might need to add a new circle of people that do share your values, and possibly limit exposure to those that don’t.
• Talk to your people (friends, family, colleagues) about what you are trying to achieve. Ask for their support. Guide them in how they can help you. If they truly care about you, they will support you. If they don’t support you, you might need to re-evaluate how much time you spend with them; do you really want to be a regular part of a pack that doesn’t align with your values?
• If you don’t want to distance yourself from these people you can:
  • Change how you get together. Instead of going out to dinner for example, you might just meet them afterward for a cuppa or drinks.
  • If going to their house for dinner, take a platter of something that is in line with your values and stick mostly to that.
  • Have them over to your house more than you go to theirs.
  • If they are work colleagues making comments about your food for example, let them know they make you feel uncomfortable when they speak like that. Afterall that is workplace bullying and discrimination and totally unexpectable.
• Get better at setting boundaries. Practice saying ‘no’ with minor things, until you get better and better at it. That way if someone wants you to do something that is during a time you plan on training or doing something for your well-being, you can set boundaries and simply offer an alternative time that suits you both. You don’t need to keep sacrificing your own needs for the sake of others.

 

To stop self-sabotage, you need 4 keys things.

1. What success will look like for you.
2. Seek support, nobody ever succeeded alone.
3. Identify your core values and inner strengths.
4. Become better at setting boundaries.

 

• Coach Terri